forgive this fifty-year old,

tough and strong, but fragile as a child.

her heart knows only love, and nothing else.

love that was selfless and sacrificed  all of her rights,

love that didnt calculate gain and loss,

love that  stubbornly persevered,

love,

that was  suffocating….

despite having grown up and matured, 

despite having humbly admitted my past childish attitudes and behaviors,

despite, with much grace, acquiring the full ability to empathize the struggles beneath what’s said and done,

i couldnt reconcile.

still cant.

i cant reconcile the merciless demeaning of everything seen and unseen,

i cant reconcile the never-failing rejection of love that took a whole world of courage to express,

i cant reconcile the subconcious fear of the volatile lava in a volcanoe, ready to erupt anytime, not sparing you any sense of warning.

why is this love so stifling and suffocating, making all its beloveds waddling on thin ice like a clumsy duckling.

i never felt i was in any position to offer forgiveness,

but that’s cause my heart needs a shield of security,

or rather bitterness,

to guard it from being completely bare and raw,

so that even when it hurts, i have something to hold against,

and wont be left broken and helpless,

a state, that to my opinion, is most grueling.

but what keeps me still bothering, and pains me the most,

is the thought that all her emotional upheaval never finds rest,

after the circling of self-talk and fierce battling against whats negative,

her heart’s left alone, beaten and wounded, an unquestioning defeat.

her heart needs to know a love that never needs to defend,

a  love that never needs validation of her worth.

a love like Jesus.

 Jesus’ heart knows only love, and nothing else.

love that was selfless and sacrificed  all of his rights,

love that didnt calculate gain and loss,

love that  stubbornly persevered,

love,

that is LIFE-GIVING.

she’s  actually quite like him. =)

and i know little  miss prayers would guide that ragged heart of hers,

to find its way to a love life-giving,

and when i go to bed tonight, 

i wouldnt be quite sure if i still want that shield of bitterness,

it would better off be thrown at the feet of the cross.

你们怎么会知道我的生日？

想知道就会知道啊。

- 艋舺

The San Fran nightmare

if being cold was meant to describe both the weather and an attitude,

its not exactly cool to be cold towards things, people, You.

Its lonely and helpless,

and I wonder how did english decide to use warm and cold to describe one’s attitude,

like how it describes weather.

And why would we  still, sometimes choose to be cold….?

 Grand canyon

  “and how do you even spell that?!”