and when i woke up this morning… November 7, 2011

i wasnt quite sure if this ragged heart of mine was ready to completely forgive,

forgive this fifty-year old,

tough and strong, but fragile as a child.

her heart knows only love, and nothing else.

love that was selfless and sacrificed  all of her rights,

love that didnt calculate gain and loss,

love that  stubbornly persevered,

love,

that was  suffocating….

despite having grown up and matured, 

despite having humbly admitted my past childish attitudes and behaviors,

despite, with much grace, acquiring the full ability to empathize the struggles beneath what’s said and done,

i couldnt reconcile.

still cant.

i cant reconcile the merciless demeaning of everything seen and unseen,

i cant reconcile the never-failing rejection of love that took a whole world of courage to express,

i cant reconcile the subconcious fear of the volatile lava in a volcanoe, ready to erupt anytime, not sparing you any sense of warning.

why is this love so stifling and suffocating, making all its beloveds waddling on thin ice like a clumsy duckling.

i never felt i was in any position to offer forgiveness,

but that’s cause my heart needs a shield of security,

or rather bitterness,

to guard it from being completely bare and raw,

so that even when it hurts, i have something to hold against,

and wont be left broken and helpless,

a state, that to my opinion, is most grueling.

but what keeps me still bothering, and pains me the most,

is the thought that all her emotional upheaval never finds rest,

after the circling of self-talk and fierce battling against whats negative,

her heart’s left alone, beaten and wounded, an unquestioning defeat.

her heart needs to know a love that never needs to defend,

a  love that never needs validation of her worth.

a love like Jesus.

 Jesus’ heart knows only love, and nothing else.

love that was selfless and sacrificed  all of his rights,

love that didnt calculate gain and loss,

love that  stubbornly persevered,

love,

that is LIFE-GIVING.

she’s  actually quite like him. =)

and i know little  miss prayers would guide that ragged heart of hers,

to find its way to a love life-giving,

and when i go to bed tonight, 

i wouldnt be quite sure if i still want that shield of bitterness,

it would better off be thrown at the feet of the cross.

eh so how was your trip-06052011 July 24, 2011

 

你们怎么会知道我的生日？

想知道就会知道啊。

- 艋舺

eh so how was your trip-07052011 July 24, 2011

The San Fran nightmare

if being cold was meant to describe both the weather and an attitude,

its not exactly cool to be cold towards things, people, You.

Its lonely and helpless,

and I wonder how did english decide to use warm and cold to describe one’s attitude,

like how it describes weather.

And why would we  still, sometimes choose to be cold….?

eh so how was your trip-08052011 July 24, 2011

Golden Gate Bridge

Did its magnificence give suicide a little bit more heroic feel?

And the way people could design and build things in ways it appeared in the mind makes me wonder,

who put those ideas in them??

Would you, trust me with your ideas? 

eh so how was your trip-09052011 July 24, 2011

And the judgment my heart secretly makes of another just magnifies the ugliness of my own.

eh so how was your trip-10052011 July 24, 2011

Disneyland.

An organization that exists to make into reality what once only existed as an idea.

And it made into reality what children thought only existed in dreams.

eh so how was your trip-11052011 July 24, 2011

 Grand canyon

And the true beauty in life are meant for the heart, not (just) the camera lens.

eh so how was your trip-16052011 July 24, 2011

Merchandize department.

And just because it didn’t turn out the way I wanted,

I thought you didn’t love me anymore.

eh so how was your trip-17052011 July 24, 2011

  “and how do you even spell that?!”

My preferences are based on my perceptions,

and from all the mistakes I’ve made,

I figured that I cant quite trust my perceptions.

so perhaps, when it comes to things I wont die without,

I need not always get my preferences.

Its when I don’t get anything that I wanted and I make it everything I would love,

that I show who I really am, and who you really are.

eh so how was your trip-18052011 July 24, 2011

 

 

You’re the architect and I’m your hands.

I listen to how you want me to build

and I do it exactly the way you want it to.

This is only so, that you could step on those bridges,

and walk right into their hearts.